The title of this blog says it all - it sums up my overall goal in 4 words. I know things can't change overnight, I know you can't just flip a light switch and suddenly everything seems 10x brighter. I think today - at least within the last few hours of today - has been rough.
While I'm happy with the way my eating habits have changed, and I'm proud of myself for going to the gym as frequently as possible, I'm finding it hard to accept myself the way I am. Granted, I'm trying to alter my physical appearance, but I've been like this for so long that it seems a lot of my confidence has been drained. And not just about how I look either. I stress over a quiz worth 5 points, but hardly feel relieved when I find out I got all 5 points. I constantly compare myself to others when it comes to bowling, always worried about letting someone down or not living up to this expectation that I seem to think others have of me. I've realized that I've been quite unsocial lately, zoning out at bowling where I'm surrounded by friends and people who care about me, I've had no desire to make plans to be social, and to put it bluntly, I've become a bump on a log.
Like I mentioned from the very beginning of this post, my feelings right now could just be because of a bad day. I could wake up tomorrow and feel a hundred times better. But these are real feelings that shouldn't be ignored. It's like that overwhelming urge to just cry and cry and cry until you can't cry anymore, and then suddenly you'll feel better.
I'm also at this major moment in my life, where I need to take my responsibility even further, I need to graduate, find a full-time job in my field, and really grow up. And it's so cliche to say that I'm scared, but I'm really scared. I don't feel like I'm prepared enough to take that next step. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job that I actually want to do, or if I'll be able to get health insurance or pay for basic necessities.
You never, ever stop growing up. Throughout your entire life there will be something for you to learn, about the world, yourself, your friends and family, everything. I just thought that by now I'd have a fairly solid understanding of how the world works and what I really want out of life. But can I honestly say that I do?
No. I can't. There are so many things I don't understand that I thought I would by now. I also thought I'd be happy with who I am as a person, but I can't say that I am entirely. There are many aspects of myself that I do like, and that I'm proud of. I'm happy with decisions I've made in the past and how I handled myself in tough situations. But this attempt at a physical transformation has also given rise to questions about myself at a more intimate, emotional level as well.
I'm not searching for the meaning of life per se, but I'm trying to figure out who I am as a person. What makes me who I am? What is it about me that is appealing to others? (And I don't mean that in an intimate way at all - I mean generally, as a friend, a confidante.) What makes me sexy? What defines me?
Whenever I ask myself those questions I can never really come up with an answer, and that's what bothers me. That's what gets me down. Maybe it's because I'm so focused on the negative things that I don't want to be included in the definition of me. Maybe it's because I haven't developed my positive qualities enough so that I can recognize them as who I am. Whatever it is, it bothers me, and today just happens to be one of those days where I've thought about those questions, and I'm left without an answer.
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